Summer Lovin'

One beautiful summer afternoon, my cousin Liz, her husband Bernie, and their two children, Attila and Kris, came down to Philadelphia so we could visit the zoo. This was a momentous occasion since I had never been to the zoo with my family; Anyu never allowed me to go the zoo or circus because she was afraid that the lions would get out of their cage and eat me.

Of course, we weren't in the park more than five minutes before we came across the Galapagos turtles, who were very slowly, methodically, and LOUDLY “making turtly love” as usual.

Attila, being a very inquisitive four-year old asked, "Stephie-néni, what’s are the turtles doing?”

This is not a question I wanted to answer. Not only were they make a terrible smacking sound when their shells rubbed together, but they were also very...vocal...about their behavior.

"The turtles are hugging, they’re friends."

He looked concerned, "But why is that one screaming?”

“Because, uh…hey, look, there's a rhino!"

After a fun day of petting bunnies, seeing wild cats, and eating ice cream, I was pretty tired, so I sat on the bench next to Liz while Attila and Bernie went on a boat ride. I was enjoying the warm summer breeze as I happened to look over at the lake to see Attila waving hello from a paddle boat that resembled a swan. I smiled and thought, “Wow. That is cute. This is such a perfect day. My family awesome. I wish I could hang out with them all the time.”

As if hearing my thoughts, Liz turned to me and said, “So. Are you still thinking about getting that nose job?”

“What…uh, no, I…”

“Because if you’re scared, it’s really no big deal, they don’t even need to knock you out, they just give you a local, cut the tip of your nose, file down the bump, and you can leave that day. If you want, we can go in together - I feel like my nostrils aren't the same size.”

She lifted up her nose for me to see.

“Liz, your nostrils are fine. And I went to the doc for sinus issues. He says I'm fine for now and don't need surgery, so that’s good news.”

“Oh, so your insurance won’t cover it?”

“No, my insurance isn't going to cover a freaking nose job if there's nothing wrong with my nose.”
“Oh." She looked at Kris for a moment in the bassinet and then right back at me. "Well. I just thought it would be a great enhancement to your appearance.”

Suddenly, I knew why that turtle was really screaming - it was warning me to run away.

Photo by Elvis Santana

Quick Bite: If I Had to Choose

Anyu and I were talking one day after finding out that a friend from church lost her daughter in a tragic train accident.

My mother was discussing some of the funeral details, and then she looked right at me and said, "You know, it would be just terrible to lose a daughter like dat. But I mean, it would be even vorse to lose a sister. I mean, if I had to choose..."

"Anyu, don't even think about finishing that sentence."

"Vhat? I'm just saying...I've had my sister my whole life!"

I'll have to remember not to call my mom the next time I am dangling precariously off a cliff. Sheesh.

Photo by Steve Woods

Name That Toon

I can't seem to make a poll using Blogger, so here goes:

If American Goulash was a cartoon show, what would my name be?

A.) Paprika Magyar (because I am a redhead)
B.) Margitka "Maggie" Magyar
C.) Pepper Paprikas
D.) Paprika Erdely
E.) Something else? (please comment with ideas)

The Secret Language

Although one in five people in the U.S. speak a second language at home, my family seems to think we’re the only people on the planet that are multi-lingual, so they call Hungarian “The Secret Language”. Although my mother and I usually have conversations in English, she starts speaking in Hungarian when she wants to tell me something that she doesn’t want anyone else to hear (including the government, who she is convinced has tapped our phone lines).

Of course, they never taught me Romanian because this was the “Super-Secret Language” they could use to talk about me. I complained about this to my Romanian roommate in college, so she phoenetically wrote down, "Mom, I know what you are saying, stop talking about me" in Romanian. I did the best I could to memorize this, and when mom started speaking to Nagymama in Romanian about their secret plans to kill me or something, I repeated, "Mamă, nu mai vorbi despre mine, ştiu ce spui." They both looked pretty shocked for about a minute, and then they just continued their conversation...in German. Damn you Europeans, you’re all too smart.

I will never forget the day when we went to a full-day festival and stopped by the local administration building to grab a schedule of events. We hadn’t even entered the building before we were halted by a woman blocking the doorway, obviously too busy talking on her cell phone to pay attention to where she was walking. Nagymama doesn’t like waiting for anyone, so she looked at me and loudly proclaimed, “Néz,es a kövér disznó! Az arca pont ug nez ki mend eg ló.” Rough English translation? “Look at this fat swine walking here. Her face looks just like a horse.”
Nagymama must have forgotten that The Secret Language” does not work when you are at the annual indoor-outdoor festival of New Brunswick that features dancing, food, and most importantly…Hungarians. Yes, dear Nagymama said this right in front of the Hungarian Heritage Center, and judging by the look on the woman's face, she definitely had some Hungarian Heritage in her.

Eh, what can you do? You shoud be able to say whatever the heck you want when you're in your 90's.

Photo by ACS

Introductions

My family is very nice, caring, and funny, but for some reason, they have no social graces whatsoever, especially when it comes to making introductions. This makes meeting new acquaintances very awkward because I always find myself giving people a "Disclaimer" every time I plan to introduce them to a family member. My family means no harm - they are just brutal in their honesty and criticism.

To save on time, I've actually devised a quiz based on situations that have actually happened to see when someone is ready to meet my family. Grab a pencil and see if you pass the test!

1.) When I was in high school, my friend Susan came over to help me with a project. My mom said:
A.) “Hi, Susan, it’s been a vile! Come, haf a seat!”
B.) “Susan, good to see you! How is your moddder?”
C.) “Susan, why don't you come over more often? Is it because you think all Transylvanians are vampires? Because dat is really a negative stereotype and I don't appreciate dat. Get out of my house.”
D.) “Hi, Susan! Look at you! You got so fat.”








Answer: D (4 points). I later had to explain to Susan that the world "Fat" was a compliment in my culture because it meant you were healthy...so in other words, I lied to make Susan feel better. I apologize to all Transylvanian-Hungarians for fibbing, and I hope you didn't punch my friend Susan if she ever called you "Fat" as a compliment.

2.) Nagymama was at my cousin’s baby shower. Upon seeing my 8-months pregnant cousin, Nagymama:
A.) hugged her and said, “I am so happy that I have lived long enough to see my beautiful grand child bring my great-grandchild into this world.”
B.) said, “Congratulations!” and handed her a large wrapped present.
C.) said “Happy birthday!” and then immediately whispered, “Oh, my God, she got so fat.”
D.) wandered away.






Answer: C (4 points). Apparently, we have this on tape. If my cousin ever finds it, I promise to put it up on YouTube. If you answered A, deduct 2 points - you have seen too many sappy movies, no one actually talks like that. If you answered D, add 1 point, as this is likely to happen at any given time.

3.) Upon meeting my first boyfriend, Bob, Nagymama:
A.) said “Nice to meet you, you are a good boy” and then said in Hungarian, “What kind of screwed up name is ‘Bob’ anyhow?”
B.) handed him a cup of orange juice that was warmed in the microwave.
C.) handed him a plate of Little Debbie snacks that she claimed to have baked fresh that morning.
D.) All of the above.



Answer: D (4 points). You know, I tried to warn Bob, but he didn't believe me.


4.) When I met my mother’s friend Amy at church for the first time, my mother said,
A.) “Dis is my friend Amy. You know, her beautiful dodder looks just like you.”
B.) "Dis is my friend Amy. She used to be fat. Amy, do you have a picture you can show Stephie of when you used to be fat, I mean, really fat, 'like a pig' fat?” then puffed out her cheeks as a visual aid.
C.) "Hey Amy, dis is my dodder Margo. Uh, I mean, Stephie."
D.) “Dis is my friend Amy, I’ve already told her all about all your accomplishments because I am a loving moddder that is so unbelievably proud you and I just luff you so much,” and then she hugged me and give me a $50 bill.



Answer: B (4 points). If you answered C, add 1 point because this actually did happen as well, but not when meeting my mother's friend who "Used to be Fat." If you answered A, deduct 2 points, and if you answered D, please deduct 10 points and remember that this quiz is based on my reality, not on my wildest dreams.

5.) Whenever my mom introduces Margo to people, she says:

A.) “This is my niece Margo, she’s one of my sister’s two lovely daughters.”
B.) “This is my niece, Margo, she works really hard as a home health aid to assist hospice cases.”
C.) “This is my niece, Margo. She’s 35 and still single.”
D.) "This is my niece, Stephie. Uh, I mean Margo."



Answer: C (4 points). If you answered D, add one point because this also happens very often.


6.) Whenever Margo complains about how my mother introduces her to people, I tell her to sarcastically reply with the following line:

A.) "Yes, and this is my aunt, Ildie. She’s 54 and divorced twice."
B.) "I do not know this woman."
C.) "This is my aunt, Ildie. She has a daughter named Stephanie that went to school for animation and you should make a tax-deductible donation to her film festival in order to support independent filmmakers and animators all over the world."
D.) "Thank you. I'm going now."



Answer: A (4 points). If you answered C, add 1 point, because I would love it if my cousin said that, but she'd probably punch me for asking. If you answered D, deduct 1 point, as this is what my cousin ACTUALLY says, not what I tell her to always say.

7.) Whenever I tell my mother that I am randomly bringing a new person over the house she says:
A.) "I can’t handle it!"
B.) "Good, I’ll have grandma go warm dah orange juice."
C.) "No! The house isn’t clean and you know, I can’t do anything because grandma…grandma, she….oh, grandma. Vell, you see, grandma…" and then trails off.
D.) A & C



Answer: D (4 points). If you answered A or C, add 1 point. The funny things about letter C is that I have never actually heard my mom finish that sentence and she says it ALL. THE. TIME.


Now let's tally your points:
20-28 Points: Are you ready for some Goulash?! Well, that’s too bad, because my family never makes goulash. We’ll go to a Hungarian restaurant in New Brunswick if you want some of that. But if you swing by Nagymama’s place, you can have some toasty warm OJ with a side of Little Debbie!

10-20 Points: Vhat are you talkink about? You obviously understand that my family can be offensive at times, and you might even enjoy hearing about it or watching it from a distance. But I’m not completely convinced that you won’t leave the day with mental scars.

0-9 Points: You can’t handle it! You probably shouldn’t be reading this column because it might rupture your delicate, Utopian mind-set. But who knows, perhaps even idealists enjoy watching train wrecks, but I don’t think you could handle being in one.

Photo by Sanja Gjenero