Permanent Record
When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.
“Vhat’s da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!”
“What are you talking about? What letter?”
“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?” (Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)
“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”
“’Dear Mrs. Yuh’-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”
“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”
“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”
“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”
“Okay. ‘Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”
“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”
“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”
“Hey, did you actually read the REST of the letter before calling me?”
“Yes, I did! He says he vill be vatching you progress through college. Vhy is he vatching you? Vhat are you doink?”
“MOOOOOM, listen! The Dean’s List is a record of students that got all A’s and B’s this semester. It’s a good letter, not a bad one.”
“Oh. Okay…” I could hear my mother processing. “Vait…you got a B in something? Vhy vould you get a B? You’re supposed to be the best student, don’t get B’s, dey’ll go on your permanent record and you never get a job.”
Photo by Elvis Santana
Fuckin’ A, dude. Is “Anyu” what you call your mom? what does that mean? What do you call Dad? N00b questions, but whatever.
Love the change up from “why are you on the list how could you” to “why didn’t you get straight A’s.” No pleasing some people..
It’s twice as funny cuz you write in your mom’s accent. Reminds me of Margaret Cho and her imitation of her mom. What does she think of you doing this??
I love your stories Steph. They make me miss my grandmom. Ill have to tell you the “gorky” story someday or the dancing santa clause one.
Yah Das a goot story.
sounds a lot like my mom. different accent though.
how do we email you our stories?
Where are your parents from, Crystal? Also, e-mail any stories to shinygrape@shinygrape.com
wow, i never got on the dean’s list - just the superintendent’s list, which is the bad one that your mom probably thought you were on
Nerd! We’ll flush your head down the toilet! *haze! haze* j/k, this is awesome.did you ever think about making this into relatity show? i would watch.
“Anya csak egy van!” (Got only 1 mom).
Still the story is hillarious
Cheers,
I love all of your stories about your mom but this one is my favorite. It helps that I’ve heard your impression of her when you explained to me that your mom doesn’t understand phon-a-thon fundraisers and thinks you still owe the University money when they call. Family is fun!!