The Guilt

My cousin Liz and I went for a walk one day to the local playground with her two small children, Attila and Kris.

"So, how is the art stuff going?" she asked, as she simultaneously pushed a stroller, filled a sippy cup, and adjusted Attila's hat to keep the sun out of his eyes.

I sighed. "Overwhelming as usual. I've been going to a billion networking events, gathering sponsors, writing proposals, keeping the books straight, coordinating venues, attempting to apply for grants, distributing flyers, dealing with website issues, answering technical questions, creating tons of promo graphics and copy, and that's just the freaking film festival!"

"Well, what else is happening? I mean, school is over, so you can relax a bit, right?"

I chuckled at the thought of relaxation. "I've doing crazy amount of freelance graphic design and animation stuff, which means writing MORE proposals, and I'm still working full time at the architecture place, attempting to write short stories at least once a week, writing several online columns, and pitching around a couple cartoon series ideas at conventions. Oh, and I just signed up to be a writer on a short film like a moron, so we are shooting next week."

"Don't burn yourself out, cousin!"

"Eh, I'm happy. I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends and I call it 'the guilt'; when you feel guilty going to a movie or just 'hanging around' because you should be working."

"'The Guilt'? That's just another way of saying that you're a workaholic."

"Yeah, well, what can I say, I write ad copy all day, 'The Guilt' spins a little better than 'Workaholic'."

"You know, I think it's genetic. I used to act just like you when I was at the radio station, and I thought everything would change once I had kids. But believe it or not, it got worse."

"This is not possible."

"Oh, you haven't experienced guilt until you have felt "Motherly Guilt". That is the fear and anxiety that you will be the worst mother on the planet. And unlike a day job, this guilt does not go away. No paid vacation. No full dental. Just constant unrelenting guilt."

"This sounds very unappealing."

"So, yeah, instead of hanging out by the water cooler or running to Starbucks on my lunch breaks, I go crazy trying to balance Attila's swimming lessons with bonding time with my inlaws, while trying to go to Gymboree with Kris, and inevitably at least one of them catches something from another kid, so then I have to deal with one sick kid and one kid that wants to play. Oh, and of course, then I wonder if it's my fault that they're sick, and if I am feeding them all the right organic foods, since I know this is the only time in their lives I am going to be able to make sure they eat right, but every day you find out that something else is bad for you and causes problems. At the end of the day I find myself wondering if I accidentally spent more time with Attila than Kris, and did I do enough learning exercises with them, and then I wonder if I did TOO many learning exercises with them because I don't want to stifle their creativity, and then I wonder if I should be the one reading to them every night or if I should be encouraging them to read or if I am putting too much pressure on them."

"You should be the spokesmodel for birth control."

"The thing is, I do this because I love my kids, and I would do anything for them, I just wish it didn't come with so much anxiety. Sometimes, the only thing that makes me feel better is YOU."

"Wow...really?" I was touched.

"I mean, I must be going a good job, because your mom fed you McDonalds all of your life and she didn't exactly read you bedtime stories you turned out okay."

"Oh. Thanks. I think?"

"You're welcome."

I considered our conversation for a moment. "God, cousin, we're both complete raving nutcases."

"So, you wanna go get iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts? We should probably get Decaf."

"Yup. That sounds like a good idea."

Photo by Jyn Meyer

GPS vs. LBI

Every year, my mother, cousins, and I spend Mother's Day weekend on the Jersey Shore, specifically LBI. Although LBI stands for “Long Beach Island”, I always call it “Large Bowel Irritation” because of the amount of stress and anxiety that goes into this vacation, especially the hour-and-a-half car ride from our home in Central Jersey.

"Okay," my aunt said, as we were leaving, "So vhen you get to dah main road on dah island-"

I interrupted. "Don't worry, I have a GPS."

"Vell, it gets very confusing, so you have to make sure to look at the John...Ron...Surf..."

"I'm bringing the GPS, don't worry."

"Yes, the...Don...Juan, um, you make a left at the...Ron Paul Surf Shop."

"It's Ron Jon. And don't worry, I have a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM. So no matter where we are, we can find-"

"Yes, uh-huh, let me draw you a map."

After about thirty minutes of map-drawing, agonizing, and direction-correcting, we finally got to the car. I plugged the GPS in and waited for the stupid thing to find a satellite signal.

"Vhat is that, a rah-dio?" my mom asked. "Play some romantic music, none of this other crap you listen to."

"No, Anyu, it's a GPS. I was trying to explain to your sister that-"

"Do you have Roy Orbison? I vant to listen to Roy Orbison."

"I don't have a stereo, mom, someone broke in and stole it, remember?" I pointed to the gaping hole in my dashboard.

"Then why don't you listen to music on this portable radio instead?"

"It's not a portable radio, mom, it's a-"

"Turn LEFT onto CEDARS LANE," the GPS said in a robotic female voice.

The entire car fell silent.

My mom raised her eyebrows. "That's our street!"

The machine continued to chirp orders, "Immediately turn RIGHT onto STELTON ROAD."

"Oh, my God, Stelton Road...I think it's taking us to the highway!"

"Yes, Anyu. I programmed this thing to get to LBI, so it's giving us directions."

As I turned the wheel, the GPS said, "In 1.2 miles, turn LEFT onto highway 287 south."

"287! I can't believe it said 287!" my mom shouted.

"Yes, um, just so you know, it's gonna say every street on the route to LBI, so, uh, don't get too excited."

"Vhy didn't you TELL US dat you had dis vonderful machine?"

"I told your sister. I told you. I shouted it from the highest rooftop! What do you need, a tattoo on my head?"

"Stephie, don't leave dis in the car, or dah robbers are gonna take it again, just like they took your stereo because you left it in the car."

"The stereo was built into the car. I couldn't exactly take it with me on adventures."

"No, I see you it sometimes, you carry your car stereo with you. I see it, in your ears!"

"That's an iPod."

"Oh. So, don't play the music too loud in your ears. You'll hurt your drums!"

Eventually, the GPS brought us to LBI, but the saga didn't stop there. (to be continued)

Photo by Jan Roger Johannesen

Summer Lovin'

One beautiful summer afternoon, my cousin Liz, her husband Bernie, and their two children, Attila and Kris, came down to Philadelphia so we could visit the zoo. This was a momentous occasion since I had never been to the zoo with my family; Anyu never allowed me to go the zoo or circus because she was afraid that the lions would get out of their cage and eat me.

Of course, we weren't in the park more than five minutes before we came across the Galapagos turtles, who were very slowly, methodically, and LOUDLY “making turtly love” as usual.

Attila, being a very inquisitive four-year old asked, "Stephie-néni, what’s are the turtles doing?”

This is not a question I wanted to answer. Not only were they make a terrible smacking sound when their shells rubbed together, but they were also very...vocal...about their behavior.

"The turtles are hugging, they’re friends."

He looked concerned, "But why is that one screaming?”

“Because, uh…hey, look, there's a rhino!"

After a fun day of petting bunnies, seeing wild cats, and eating ice cream, I was pretty tired, so I sat on the bench next to Liz while Attila and Bernie went on a boat ride. I was enjoying the warm summer breeze as I happened to look over at the lake to see Attila waving hello from a paddle boat that resembled a swan. I smiled and thought, “Wow. That is cute. This is such a perfect day. My family awesome. I wish I could hang out with them all the time.”

As if hearing my thoughts, Liz turned to me and said, “So. Are you still thinking about getting that nose job?”

“What…uh, no, I…”

“Because if you’re scared, it’s really no big deal, they don’t even need to knock you out, they just give you a local, cut the tip of your nose, file down the bump, and you can leave that day. If you want, we can go in together - I feel like my nostrils aren't the same size.”

She lifted up her nose for me to see.

“Liz, your nostrils are fine. And I went to the doc for sinus issues. He says I'm fine for now and don't need surgery, so that’s good news.”

“Oh, so your insurance won’t cover it?”

“No, my insurance isn't going to cover a freaking nose job if there's nothing wrong with my nose.”
“Oh." She looked at Kris for a moment in the bassinet and then right back at me. "Well. I just thought it would be a great enhancement to your appearance.”

Suddenly, I knew why that turtle was really screaming - it was warning me to run away.

Photo by Elvis Santana

My Christmas Gifts

Each and every year, no matter how much I protest, my family always buys me clothing. I can't tell you how many times I have received some kind of hideous knitted sweater that is 10 times the size of me with some kind of gold-foiled flower on the bosom. Since I am about a foot taller than anyone in my household, everyone thinks that makes me morbidly obese and buys me enormous clothing.

“Oh, Stephie, ve just got it a few sizes bigger in case you need to grow into it,” they always claim.

I’m 25. The only thing that’s growing is my hatred of knitted sweaters.

Growing up, Grandma always made me wear ugly sweaters no matter how huge or moth-ball-smelling they were. Of course, I had to wear them on top of itchy, probably expensive, imported, hand-embroidered Hungarian undershirts. To this day, she still comes up behind me, lifts my shirt, and screams, "A Vese! Ing! Ing!" (Her Kidneys! Undershirt! Undershirt!) She would always say, "You're kidneys are exposed, you are going to catch your death!" Last time I checked, my kidneys were still inside of my body, especially since I don't recall ever waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

One year, in an effort to protect my kidneys, Nagymama actually bought me a pair of flowery underwear that must have been size 87. These things were so freaking huge that I actually pulled them over my clothing and up past my chest. I started to strut around the house and sing Madonna songs as both of my cousins laughed hysterically.

Nagymama came over with a sober look on her face. She grabbed me by the arm, pulled me down and said, “Stephie…you’re supposed to wear dat UNDERNEATH your clothing.”

Thanks for the clarification, granny. And Merry Christmas, everyone! Protect your kidneys.

Photo by Michael Bretherton

The Christmas Cards

My cousin Erin usually hosts the family Christmas party. Over the years, Erin has learned that if she wants a party to get started at 2 pm, she has to tell my aunt Sophie that it is at noon, so my aunt will have sufficient time to wake up late, shower, make a sumptuous breakfast for her husband, do her makeup, vacuum the house, wash and wax the car, run into some burning buildings to save some orphaned children, and go last minute Christmas shopping. Erin then has to tell my mother that the party is at 3 pm because or else my mother will arrive three hours early, just in case there is traffic on the two mile stretch of highway she has to travel every day in the New Jersey suburban nightmare we call our home.

Last year, everything seemed to work out just right and Nagymama arrived with my mother right on time and marveled at my cousin’s beautifully decorated bi-level home.

“Some day, I’m gonna vin dah lotto and buy bi-levels for everyvon!” she says, in very cute, broken English.

"Yah, yah, you've been sayink dat for 40 years, give it a rest," my aunt said from the doorway, bearing boatloads of gifts.

As Nagymama removed her coat, her attention immediately turned to the several dozen Christmas cards that were neatly hung on the staircase. She immediately grabbed my cousin’s arm, pulled her down, and whispered in her ear with a whisper full of hot, wet air and cookie crumbs, “I know your secret, my child.”

“What are you talking about, Nagymama?”

“These Christmas cards…these cards were not sent to you. You just bought a box from the store and wrote them out to yourself so you would look more popular.”

My cousin couldn’t look more shocked.

Nagymama nodded knowingly, “Shh! It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.”

Photo by Alaina Cherup